When It Simply Doesn’t Work – What Then?

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What is your worst fear in marriage?  Is it that you will do all you can to love and respect unconditionally but your spouse will not respond?  If so, you are not alone in that fear. I hear of this concern often from husbands and wives around the country. But 1 Peter 3:6 tells us to do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

But how should you proceed?  What if you have moved forward in good faith with unconditional love and respect, but your spouse has not responded?

As Jesus spoke of the trials and tribulations believers might have to go through for Him, He mentioned that “a man’s enemies will be the members of his household” (Matthew 10:36).  For you, it may feel just this way.  So should you simply say, “This Love and Respect thing doesn’t work”? 

When you love or respect unconditionally, you are following God and His will for you.  Ultimately, your spouse and your marriage have nothing to do with it.  You are simply demonstrating your obedience and trust in the face of an unlovable wife or a disrespecting husband.  Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded.   I call this the Rewarded Cycle.  Jesus said, “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” (Matthew 5:46).  Jesus could have had your troubled marriage in mind when He said that.

I believe Paul also had your marriage in mind when he penned Ephesians 6:7-8:  “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free” (NIV).  Paul is saying that whatever we do as to the Lord we will receive back from the Lord.  In marriage, everything you do counts, even if your spouse ignores you!  This is what the Rewarded Cycle is all about:  His Love Blesses Regardless of Her Respect; Her Respect Blesses Regardless of His Love.

If you are feeling alone in your marriage, and your spouse is not responding to your efforts, will you allow this to encourage you? You are not alone. Your efforts to love and respect unconditionally are not going unnoticed by God!  He is for you and He WILL honor you for your obedience.  Stay tuned in the next few weeks for more on the Rewarded Cycle and the rewards that are in store for you.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Trust God to Work

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Perhaps the major problem that keeps so many couples somewhere between the Crazy Cycle and the Energizing Cycle is the fear that, even though they try to practice the Love and Respect Connection, it won’t work.  Or, that they will be the only one in the marriage trying, and their spouse won’t reciprocate.

To these couples, my advice is always the same:  Don’t give up because it doesn’t seem to be working.  Keep showing your spouse unconditional love and unconditional respect.  Look for even the slightest improvements.  A husband doesn’t bring flowers, but he does fix the leaky faucet.  The wife still has a headache more than you like, but she has toned down the negativity. 

Here’s an example of a wife who felt nothing was happening but later was amazed.  She called her ex-husband and apologized because she hadn’t always respected his position in their home.  (She is a Christian, and he is not.)  There was silence, and then he responded, “Thank you.”  That ended the conversation, but several days later he called back at midnight in tears, wondering why she had made her apology.  She explained she had to ask forgiveness for not being what she should have been as a wife.  Again, the conversation ended abruptly.  Not much seemed to be happening.  Another week passed, and again he called at midnight.  He had been thinking of everything he had done, and he was sorry.  He went on about all of his mistakes – “some of the few kind words he has ever said to me.”

In another situation, a wife moved out and bought another home.  I coached the husband on how to behave toward her in more loving ways.  This went on for some time, and he was seeing little progress.  Then one day she said, “Are you wanting me to beg you to ask me to come back home?”

The above are just a few examples of what can happen.  Don’t give up because weeks or months pass with no response.  Don’t interpret delay as defeat.  Don’t assume that what you are doing is unfruitful.  Most often, love or respect is working on your spouse more than you realize.  Something is transpiring in the soul of that person.  Have confidence that God will work.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from Loveand Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.