Can You Do This?

Sarah and I have just finished an exciting fall season with seven conferences all over the country and Canada. We are so grateful for each and every person who attended.  The testimonies of lives changed, marriages transformed, and commitments made have humbled us.  We are rejoicing!

Now I want to encourage all of you to stay the course. It would be entirely normal if your old habits of communicating were rearing their ugly heads at this juncture!  But…you don’t need to give in to your past reactions.  Oh, I understand that you will fail at this, as Sarah and I also fail.  But may I encourage you to persevere and fight against those old reactions with a renewed energy?  You can do this!

As you move forward...

For you husbands, Proverbs 12:16 declares, "A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor."

This verse says that a fool spouts off in anger when feeling dishonored.  On the other hand, a prudent man when feeling dishonored absorbs the hurt and contains his anger.  He knows that exploding in anger will not motivate his wife to show more honor.  That’s an unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

I see you men as prudent men who refuse to let the feelings of dishonor light an explosive fuse.  I also know you are human, and you may fail at this. No doubt you have had moments when you feel dishonored.  Even so, take the hit.  Conceal it.  And, then… move on.  Don't get angry.  

But if you fail in this, get back up!  And remember, an apology goes along way with your wife.

As for you wives, Proverbs 10:12 states, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions." 

You are loving women by nature.  If, though, you allow hate to surface in the face of your husband's failings, you will ignite strife.  The way of resolving some of this tension, according to this Proverb, is to allow your loving nature to cover certain transgressions.  

I am not saying to ignore all sin but the Bible teaches that at certain moments it is ok to overlook those things that frustrate us.  We are not failing God by moving on.  We can actually be obeying God. 

I am not saying that you enable your husband's willful and habitual sin.   Instead, my frame of reference are those moments when you are spitting mad at his self-focus, insensitivity to you, and lack of a positive godly pursuit.  During those times you need to take a step back and go quiet until you can address the situation respectfully and calmly.  Again, I understand you may fail at this.  Our humanness gets the best of all of us at times.  But when you do, get back up and resolve to do it differently the next time. For sure, when we do confront the sin, we need to do so from a loving and respectful demeanor.

Most of you demonstrated a desire and resolve to do the marital dance differently.  In those moments when it feels impossible, remember you have the Holy Spirit as your Helper.  Go to Him and ask for the strength and courage to do marriage God’s way.

Can you do this? I know you can, with God’s help!

With love and respect,

~Emerson

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A Different Valentine’s Day Story…

Photo Credit

Valentine’s Day is one of those special days like Christmas…it’s all about showing love to those who are the most special to us.  We know we should love Valentine’s Day and we should look forward to it with great anticipation.  

But many of us don’t.

For men, the pressure can be huge.  How can we measure up to the female expectation out there?  We come to dread the day.

For women, it often feels like a set-up for disappointment when we don’t get anything romantic from that special someone.  Or... worse yet…we don’t even have a special someone who loves us romantically.  We get depressed thinking about it.

Awhile back I heard from a man who experienced a big problem with Valentine’s Day. He wrote asking how he could “fix” this problem and together we figured out how to turn a losing situation into a win-win.  Read on for a different kind of Valentine’s story.

Dear Dr E,
My wife and I were always on the Crazy Cycle and ended up separated for 2 years.  During this time she gave me your book.  I read the whole book in two nights…it really opened my eyes to a great deal of the problems that we were facing.  So I took your advice and began a new chapter in our lives.  I went to my wife, told her I was sorry for all my words and actions that I did that were unloving to her.  I also told her that some of her past words and actions were disrespectful to me but that I should have talked to her about them at the time instead of keeping things bottled up (stonewalling).  I know the road is going to be long and hard, but for the first time in the past 2 years I see real hope for us.

Here is my SERIOUS problem.  I moved out of the house on February 14th…Yep, Valentine’s Day.  On the day I moved out I wasn’t thinking at all about it being Valentine’s Day, and now every February 14^th brings back hurt and pain to both of us.  Do you have any recommendation at all as to how we should deal with future Valentine’s Days so that we can reclaim that day as one of love and respect? 

Emerson says: Your words are a powerful testimony.  In answer to your question, here is one thought. The Bible says, “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more (Romans 5:20).”  In your case, see the sinful Valentine’s Day as a day also that resulted in God’s grace coming to you in a greater way.

Because that Valentine’s Day was so sinful to you, see that as something which triggered God’s grace.  Your sin, as bad as it was, resulted in you seeking God’s forgiveness and your wife’s.  The irony is this:  because of your sin, you experienced God’s grace.

Let me insert, the critics of Paul, who wrote Romans 5:20, said that he was encouraging people to sin in order to receive God's grace. But Paul countered in Romans 6:1,2, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be!" In other words, when we sin, God's grace can come. But we don't sin in order for God's grace to come.

In your case, you sinned and sought God's forgiveness. As a result, God has given you a greater grace. So, in that sense, thank God for Valentine's Day. Consequently, each time Valentine's Day reminds you of your sin, go one step further and let it remind you that you have God's greater grace.

The cross of Jesus was a cruel and evil means of execution but God turned the cross into the means of redemption. Let God take your sin and turn it into something good.
~Emerson

This husband took this challenge as a man of honor.  He responded:  “I will strive to make every Valentine's Day from here on out my personal day of redemption.  I will strive to show my wife that although I sinned, I have repented and will use each and every Valentine's Day to show her that.  Thank you.”

How about you?  Does Valentine’s Day hold bad memories for you?  Will you vow to turn this day of “love” into a day of redemption?  No matter what your situation, thank God for His forgiveness and grace!  Let this Valentine’s Day be a new beginning for you…whether this means starting anew in your relationship, or releasing bitterness over a past relationship.  Extend forgiveness whether it is towards yourself or towards your loved one.  Our God is a God of redemption…even on Valentine’s Day!

Happy Love & Respect Valentine’s Day to all!

~Emerson