In Marriage, We Will Have Trouble!

I even go so far as to say that God has designed conflict in marriage.

Yes, God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict (or trouble). 

But conflict itself is not sin. 

God designed us with differing preferences.  In marriage, husbands and wives have different preferences that are not sin issues…they are simply differences.  How we deal with these differences can lead to sin rather than harmony….but having differences (i.e. conflicting preferences) does not mean we aren’t living in harmony. 

It is how we deal with those conflicts that will either lead to harmony or sin.

In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry.  Marriages bring trouble. That comes as no surprise to those of us who are married! But Paul does not label this "trouble" as evidence of sin or the result of sin per se. His very point is that if you marry, you have not sinned.

In other words, marriage brings troubles, and those troubles are inevitable.  If you marry, get ready for troubles.  He does not pass judgment on this trouble as evil or sinful.

So what does he mean by trouble?  Earlier he illustrated exactly what he means by trouble. Every text has a context!

1Co 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

1Co 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

When saying the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does, and the wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does, he is talking of the sexual relationship. 

What is Paul saying?  Paul is getting real.  Paul is saying, to paraphrase, "Look, you are going to have trouble in your marriage when it comes to sex.  On Tuesday night when the husband wants sex and the wife does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.  Or, if the wife wants sex and the husband does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.   In this text, both have equal authority in the sexual realm.

So - some, not all, conflict or trouble is the result of God's design and is in keeping with his will, and therefore we should not freak out when it happens.  This is the good news. We should not panic, feeling we made a mistake in marrying this person because we have these ongoing troubles.  If these troubles are not evil but the typical conflicts day by day, you are very much in God's will. 

Don't bail out.  Don't say your marriage isn't working because of these frustrations.  Instead, focus on dealing with those conflicts in a way that leads to harmony, not sin.

~Emerson

SEX AND RESPECT

Who has not seen a Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra commercials? What’s going on with men that they feel they need a medicinal boost to their sex drive and performance?

Because of these commercials and the emails I receive from wives, apparently many wives are feeling deprived of sex from their husbands. As much as I point out that most husbands have sexual needs to which wives should respond, Biblically we read, “A husband should satisfy his wife's sexual needs…” (1 Corinthians 7:3 NIrV). Paul then says, “So don't refuse sex to each other” (7:5 CEV). In other words, wives need sex too!

I hear from wives from across the nation profoundly concerned by their husbands refusing them sex. One narrow explanation might be that some of these husbands feel disrespected. Sarah and I have often wondered if some men could not respond sexually to their wives due to the perception in these men that their wives held them in contempt. Obviously, erectile dysfunction (E.D.) has causes other than the wife’s contempt but this can be a factor in some marriages. Listen to this wife:

“My husband and I have not had not been intimate with each other for 2 years in a row. He told me he had erectile dysfunction. Needless to say we did not get along. Three days ago he told me he wanted to leave and couldn't stand living the way we were living. I was desperate and turned to God for help. He sent me to a Christian counselor and my husband agreed to go with me. See we had been to other counselors who told us we should get divorced. He was convinced the same thing would happen… After she (the counselor) listened to us go on (through what I now know is the crazy cycle) for an hour and half, she handed us your book and asked us to read the first two chapters before we came back, I read the entire book that night. My eyes were opened to how disrespectful I had been to my husband, without me even knowing it. I sat there last night and told him how much I respected him, for his strength, his dedication to his job, his love for his family, how he taught me a work ethic that I had never known and how proud I felt to be his wife. I ended with, I am so sorry I never told you this before but I have always felt it in my heart. He didn't really say anything at all, but I could see how energized he was by what I had told him. I saw how his eyes sparkled after my telling him. We went to bed, which normally was him rolling over and falling asleep right away. This time he pulled me close to him and held me. I must admit, I started crying. Then we were intimate for the first time in two years, no erectile dysfunction in the way, just us together. I can't thank you enough for letting God work through you, to send this message to us. You reaffirmed my faith in God and saved my marriage in the process. I am going to tell my husband everyday for the rest of my life something that I respected about him that day. He later asked me if I told him this because the book told me to. I told him yes and no, I told him that I had never realized until I read the book how important it was for me to share what I have always felt in my heart.”

How wonderful that such healing can come to this wife via the respect message! Her husband didn’t need Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. He needed to feel that she respected him.

This wife may represent many wives. How sad that such wonderful and tender women must suffer for years due to their innocent ignorance about the respect message. Just as a wife feels sexually aroused by unconditional love toward her heart, and without it she closes off and shuts down, so a husband can feel sexually aroused by unconditional respect toward his spirit, and without it he closes off and shuts down.