Why is Marriage So Hard?

Photo Credit: Brook Mosser - Instagram: @brookmosser

From the letters I receive, I think it’s safe to say that none of us expected marriage to be so hard. Most of us thought we were marrying our best friend and lover and looked forward to being with them forever.

But it doesn’t take long for the marital bliss to wear off. Couples write me saying that the trouble started as soon as they got back from their honeymoon…or even during their honeymoon!

If we marry, we will have trouble.

It turns out that the Bible warned us that if we married, we would have trouble (1 Corinthians 7:28 NIV)! 

The Bible is not an antiquated book filled with rules to make us miserable. God’s commands are designed to help us, not to harm us. So when the apostle Paul warns us that if we marry, we will have trouble, he is just giving us a heads up on what to expect. Paul points out that marriage itself brings distractions -- as opposed to celibacy. These distractions that come to the married create distress and troubles for the marriage.

How we handle conflict is key.

Nothing kills the feeling of love like conflict…whether it’s overt conflict or simmering, below-the-surface conflict.

Conflict in itself is not bad. In fact, it’s essential and unavoidable in good relationships. But it’s how we handle the conflict that can be deadly to a marriage.

The quicker couples can accept a degree of conflict, the better off they will be.

Again, God has allowed these marital stresses. Obviously, I am not saying that all conflict is designed by God, but I encourage couples not to freak out and claim they've made a mistake because they have tension in their marriage. They are in the center of God's will, not outside of His will!

You don’t need to stay stuck in a cycle of conflict.

This is not to say that God wants us to stay stuck in conflict! The good news is this cycle can be broken. We call it the Crazy Cycle, and we made some discoveries that can help you get out of this cycle and begin to enjoy your marriage again.

What did we discover?

Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.

Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict. For example, if a woman feels unloved during conflict, her natural reaction is to respond disrespectfully. And when a husband feels disrespected during conflict, his reaction is to respond unlovingly. This is when the Crazy Cycle starts to spin: “Without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.”

Both need love and respect  but there's a different emphasis. The best way to respect a wife is to love her based on her need for love. The best way to love a husband is to respect him based on his need for respect.

Make your marriage easier!

Are you ready to break the cycle of conflict and move towards more peace in your marriage?

Try a new approach. The next time the Crazy Cycle spins out of control, ask yourself:

Does my wife need reassurance of my love even though we are in conflict?

Does my husband need to know I respect him even though I don't agree with him on this issue?

Remember, some conflict is healthy. It’s how you deal with that conflict that can make or break a marriage. 

Try more love and respect and see if your marriage gets a little easier.

Emerson

If You Marry, Get Ready for Troubles

Photo Credit: Lesley Miller

Happily ever after…

That’s what we hope marriage will be on that long-anticipated day when we walk down the aisle. But it doesn’t take most of us long to figure out that’s a myth.

Not even the Bible promises “happily ever after.” In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry. Those troubles are inevitable. If you marry, get ready for troubles.

God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict or trouble. It is how we deal with those troubles that will either lead to harmony or sin.

If we do not accept the inevitability of some trouble as part of God’s design, we may fall for the idea that marriage should be happily ever after. And then when troubles do come, we conclude that we are not receiving what we deserve. Have we been dealt an unfair hand? Is God against us?

When these moments come, how will we deal with them?

A friend of my daughter Joy captures this. Let’s hear from Lesley Miller who shares with transparency the trouble she and her husband Jonathan recently went through:

My life changed rapidly one afternoon last fall. I’d been pacing the house waiting for Jonathan’s phone call about his test results. And when it came, and he said “Cancer,” I collapsed into my chair and fell apart.

I remember sobbing the tears that don’t let you catch your breath; the kind that make you gasp for air and wail in such a way you don’t recognize your own primal sounds. Rocking back and forth, I stared at the blackboard on our kitchen wall. It read, “Sun is shining, weather is sweet, makes you want to move your dancing feet.” I’d written the Bob Marley lyric in August, after I’d given birth to Anna. We’d been living in a dizziness of warmth since her arrival that I’d never felt before, and certainly didn’t think would end so abruptly… Click here for Lesley’s entire story...

~Emerson

In Marriage, We Will Have Trouble!

I even go so far as to say that God has designed conflict in marriage.

Yes, God desires that we all live in harmony, but that doesn’t mean we will live in an environment free from all conflict (or trouble). 

But conflict itself is not sin. 

God designed us with differing preferences.  In marriage, husbands and wives have different preferences that are not sin issues…they are simply differences.  How we deal with these differences can lead to sin rather than harmony….but having differences (i.e. conflicting preferences) does not mean we aren’t living in harmony. 

It is how we deal with those conflicts that will either lead to harmony or sin.

In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the Apostle Paul says that we will have "trouble" if we marry.  Marriages bring trouble. That comes as no surprise to those of us who are married! But Paul does not label this "trouble" as evidence of sin or the result of sin per se. His very point is that if you marry, you have not sinned.

In other words, marriage brings troubles, and those troubles are inevitable.  If you marry, get ready for troubles.  He does not pass judgment on this trouble as evil or sinful.

So what does he mean by trouble?  Earlier he illustrated exactly what he means by trouble. Every text has a context!

1Co 7:3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

1Co 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

When saying the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does, and the wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does, he is talking of the sexual relationship. 

What is Paul saying?  Paul is getting real.  Paul is saying, to paraphrase, "Look, you are going to have trouble in your marriage when it comes to sex.  On Tuesday night when the husband wants sex and the wife does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.  Or, if the wife wants sex and the husband does not want sex, who decides?  Get ready for trouble.   In this text, both have equal authority in the sexual realm.

So - some, not all, conflict or trouble is the result of God's design and is in keeping with his will, and therefore we should not freak out when it happens.  This is the good news. We should not panic, feeling we made a mistake in marrying this person because we have these ongoing troubles.  If these troubles are not evil but the typical conflicts day by day, you are very much in God's will. 

Don't bail out.  Don't say your marriage isn't working because of these frustrations.  Instead, focus on dealing with those conflicts in a way that leads to harmony, not sin.

~Emerson