More Energizing Examples...

Last week I shared a testimony from a couple who discovered mutual respect for one another.  Because I talk about a woman’s deepest need for love, and a man’s deepest need for respect, I sometimes get the comment from women, “Well, I need respect too!”  To which I reply, “Absolutely!”  Just because a woman most often speaks a love language, does not mean she doesn’t desire respect.  And just because a man most often speaks the language of respect, does not mean he has no need for love.  Love and respect will interact and flow back and forth on both sides in order for a marriage to stay energized.

Bottom line: don’t get hung up on the semantics.  

Following are several real-life examples that I hope will bring more clarity to how these principles play out practically.

One husband related to me that his marriage was breaking down and he did not even see it.  Both powerful firstborns and successful career people, they could not communicate without one trying to force his or her will on the other.  The conference helped the husband see that every time he insisted on his own opinion or wishes, he was crushing his wife’s spirit. He decided to stop coming across in an authoritarian manner, and now peace reigns in their home.  He writes:

When I come home or talk with her during the day, I talk to her in a loving way.  I communicate that I love her and respect her opinion.  If things get out of hand – which they sometimes do – I reflect after the fact and approach her in a loving way.  We talk back over the incident and move forward, usually in agreement.  Even if one of us has to give in, we are both comfortable with the outcome. 

When another wife stopped communicating to her husband that he was an idiot with no insights worth sharing, then he started to be more understanding.  She also sees a real improvement in her ability to express her needs to him instead of “becoming so hurt he just can’t figure me out.”  Her e-mail continues:

If I need something from him like time or attention or specific encouragement, I have the confidence to bring those requests to him because I know his greatest desire is to be my knight in shining armor.  This seems like such a simple principle, yet it has freed me from the huffing and puffing and waiting for him to get a clue.  Now I have the freedom to request respectfully things I need and not set him up for failure.  (Mind reading is a terrible way to make a marriage.)

Sometimes spouses may think they are making all the right energizing moves, but they are overlooking one simple thing.  One husband admits:

When I heard the title of your seminar, I asked my wife if she felt loved. (We have been married thirty-seven years, and I have even done some teaching on marriage relationships.)  Because I do so many things to demonstrate my love for her, I expected to hear a hearty “Of course, Jim!” so I was shocked when she was just silent.  I reminded her of all the things I do to show her love, and I told her I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t giving me an answer.  When she finally did answer, it changed my entire approach to demonstrating love to my wife.  She said, “I do appreciate all the things you do for me, but the way I feel loved is…by the way you talk to me.  When you talk to me the way you do to your men friends, I don’t feel love.”  Wow!  What an eye-opener that was!

Can you relate to any of these examples?  Do you need to stop and listen to your tone or ask your spouse what he/she needs from you?  Do you need to learn to communicate your own needs more lovingly or respectfully to your spouse?  What will you do this week to improve your communication style so that you can stay on the Energizing Cycle?

~Emerson

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Mutual Respect

These last several weeks I have been sharing with you the “if-then” principle that keeps the Energizing Cycle humming in your marriage.  

Today I want to share the final "if-then" principle:  

If a husband chooses to esteem and honor his wife and her role in the family, then his wife is motivated to accept and respect his desire to protect and provide for her and their children.

I heard from a wife who understood this powerful connection after reading Love & Respect made her aware of how unfulfilled her husband was in their relationship.  She admits that, although she deeply loved him, she never understood him.  The daughter of a domineering father, she had seen her mother struggle as he “kept his wife in her place,” and she determined this would never happen to her.  

After getting married, she and her husband both had careers, but she had the better job, which paid well.  When children began to arrive, she went to part-time and, because her husband had a rotating schedule, she could schedule herself to work when he could be at home.  She felt proud that she could show her husband she could be independent of him and show him it was her choice – not his choice – to be with him.  She had no idea of how he felt until they learned about Love and Respect.  Her letter continues:

I didn’t want a man to lord it over me like my father had, but this has brought about in my husband intense feelings of disrespect and of not even being needed in his own home.  Also, he has chosen to work at a job that is not fulfilling nor financially rewarding, but one that allows us to raise our children without day care.  He has stayed at this job to allow me greater freedom to be home, and I never looked at this as a tremendous sacrifice.  I just thought he was too afraid to try anything else.  We bought Love & Respect and read through it together.  When I saw the tears flow from years of misunderstanding and pain, it crushed me.  I feel an immense freedom now when I’m with my husband because he knows that I understand and can respond in his native tongue.

When this wife understood that her husband was honoring her by holding a lesser job, she became fully aware of how he was practicing headship of his family in a humble, sacrificial way, and she honored him by showing her deep respect.  They had been on a Crazy Cycle for years almost without realizing it.  Love and Respect put them on the Energizing Cycle and, as she says in closing, “saved our marriage.”

If you’ve attended a Love and Respect Conference, or read our books, you are familiar with the acronym COUPLE:  How to Show Love to Your Wife; and CHAIRS:  How to Show Respect to Your Husband.  If not, I encourage you to grab a copy of Love & Respect or The Language of Love & Respect and study how these principles can keep your marriage energized!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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Time for an Attitude Adjustment (Loyalty & Conquest)

An FBI agent confided in me that the amount of time he spent on his job was causing his wife to complain and question him even though he actually thought he was balancing things “pretty well.”  He would get defensive and lash back at her, saying he was trying his best to do a good job and he didn't appreciate her questioning.  


They would slip onto the Crazy Cycle from time to time because he heard her questioning the manner in which he tried to do his best at work, and he felt disrespected.  His wife, however, was simply feeling unloved because she saw him spending inordinate amounts of time away from her.

One way a wife can let her husband know she respects him, is to appreciate his desire to do a good job and achieve in his field of endeavor (conquest).  She does this by thanking him for his efforts and letting him know she is behind him.  But, what if a wife has concerns that her husband is so focused on his work that he is neglecting her and the children? 

One way a husband honors and cherishes his wife is to show her she is first in his heart by spending focused time with her (loyalty).  But what if his work demands keep him away from home more than either of them would like? 

How can we stay on the Energizing Cycle during these times of seemingly unavoidable conflict?

This is what the FBI agent discovered:

Not until we discussed it in light of our love and respect needs did we truly understand the feelings of each other on this issue.  While I couldn’t do much to readjust my schedule (as a matter of fact, it soon got even more demanding time-wise), what changed for us was the ability to understand each other’s intentions, and with that understanding came a release from the tension that blocked our communication. Our problem was 90 percent attitude and 10 percent circumstances.  Once we understood that and made necessary adjustments, we deal with the 10 percent without much difficulty.

With mutual understanding came better communication!  This couple made a crucial decision to listen to the other’s needs with understanding rather than “attitude.” 

Is it time for an attitude adjustment in your marriage?

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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How PEACEMAKING Connects With AUTHORITY

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker, taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict, his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.  By the same token, if a wife chooses to respect her husband’s authority (desire to serve and to lead), he will be motivated to make peace with her and try to meet her needs and concerns during conflict at any level.

One wife shared that she and her husband had totally different approaches to solving problems or settling arguments.  She came from a family who were “great arguers,” and they thrashed everything out as they shared feelings and dealt with differences.  Her husband came from a family that tended to ignore problems and pretend they weren’t there.  She saw him trying to do the same thing until she understood the Love and Respect principles and realized her argumentative style of problem-solving was causing him to go into “fight or flight” mode. Since she has tried to be more respectful, she has noticed a great difference in the way he responds to solving problems.  He now steps up to the plate and faces problems instead of seeming to ignore them.  Instead of remaining opponents, they have become a team.

On the other side of the coin, a husband wrote to tell me that he discovered he needed to ask his wife’s forgiveness for how aggressive he often was during conflict.  He is now more aware of when his wife is hurt by something he did or said that felt unloving to her.  He has learned the importance of asking for her forgiveness so they can move ahead in a more productive manner. 

How about you?  Are you and your spouse fighting for authority or working towards peacemaking during conflict?  Are you so bent on winning the argument that you are running over your spouse with your harshness?  Or are you the one who is running from the conflict, trying to keep a false sense of peace?

Pray this week about what God wants you to do differently to resolve the conflict in your marriage.  Then take the necessary steps to move first!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

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