GIVING: Needs, Wants, and What Seems Best

During this season of giving, we are all aware of that fine line between enjoying the season, and becoming indulgent. Last time I challenged you to examine your motives behind giving, particularly when it comes to giving to your child’s wants.

What did you discover?

Most parents don’t intend to spoil their children, so is there a formula to follow to avoid giving too much?  No, but there is a biblical principle:  “While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best” (Hebrews 12:10 MSG).

Yes, there is a certain amount of guesswork in parenting, but I believe Hebrews 12:10 is assuring us who follow Christ that we can trust Him to guide us in doing what is best. As the Lord trains us in what He knows is best, He trusts us to use a certain amount of plain-old common sense as we seek to train our kids. So as we seek to give to our kids “what seems best,” we must sort out the needs and the wants and make some decisions.

None of us likes to disappoint our children. But we must keep in mind the greater lessons our children need to learn. Life is full of disappointments. What are the ramifications for our children if they go into adulthood not having learned how to deal with disappointment? Might they go from one job to another in search of one that doesn’t disappoint? Might they leave their marriage in the face of disappointment in search of the perfect relationship?

Furthermore, what lessons are we teaching our children when we spend beyond our means…or even when we spend within our means but to the point of indulgence?

Too much giving can make children extremely selfish. Proverbs 30:15 tells us “the leech has two daughters,” named “Give” and “Give.” We must guard against our children becoming “slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites” (Romans 16:18).

Make it a priority to teach your child how to delay gratification. The real gift you can give your child is not gratification by getting another toy, but learning to delay gratification by not getting what he wants. Remember, if your child lacks self-control, it is you who is being controlled.

Rather than getting caught up in buying tons of gifts, give the priceless gift of time. Consider making memories simply by being together. A man wrote to me about how his family did not have much when he was growing up, but his dad made the most of it: “Every once in a while he would take the family on ‘surprise outings.’ He would only tell us to get in the car. We didn’t find out where we were going until we got there. These were good times together...” Let a spirit of generosity engender a sense of family, which leads to good times together.

As you sort out giving to needs and wants in your family, keep in mind that the best thing we can give to our children is the intangible example of faith in God to supply all their needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus. You cannot give your children any greater gift than that!

Sarah and I wish you a blessed Christmas season reflecting on the greatest gift of all – Jesus!

~Emerson

You Don’t Always Get What You Want

One Christmas morning when I was eight, I went into the living room where the presents surrounded the Christmas tree. My eye immediately caught sight of a robot! Yes, a robot, sparkling shiny and silver, just about my height. My mind raced a hundred miles an hour. Where was the control, so I could make it walk, talk and perform any task I desired?

About then I saw that my robot was wrapped in cellophane and that it had a cardboard box head and cardboard arms. “Unwrap it,” my Mom urged excitedly, but I didn’t want to “unwrap” it. I had a robot! Then she said, “Your present is underneath the wrapping!”

Little did she know how disappointing her words sounded to me. Then, as I inspected my robot I saw it. A snow sled. Mom had cleverly attached a box to look like a head, and cardboard arms to the sled handles, creating a robot-looking object. My imagination had done the rest. Before Mom’s eyes, my spirit deflated like a punctured balloon. I wanted a real, moving robot with an on-off switch, not a dumb sled. My face fell and I know my unhappiness made Mom unhappy. From then on, Mom made sure she did not do anything to raise my expectations beyond reality.

That Christmas morning I learned a painful lesson: you don’t always get what you want. It is a lesson all parents must teach their children. They cannot always have what they want, nor should they always get what they want. Too much of a good thing is no longer good. As Proverbs 25:16 says: “Have you found honey? Eat only what you need, lest you have it in excess and vomit it” (NASB).

Solomon makes clear what we all know: there is a real difference between what we need and what we want. And parents also know that giving to a child’s needs is a lot less complicated than trying to satisfy a child’s wants. While needs are not negotiable, wants are. However, kids are quite adept at negotiating their wants into needs every time! It can get complicated for parents.

I understand this struggle! Kids are outstanding negotiators which is why we need to be clear on what we believe about giving, or we can be too easily persuaded.

There are, of course, appropriate and reasonable times to give to your child’s wants. We give to show our love and spirit of generosity, especially at a time like Christmas. Giving in the purest sense – no strings attached – communicates unconditional love to our children, helping them discover their worth to us and God.  As Jesus said about our heavenly Father:  “look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26 NIV).

Are you feeling stressed this Christmas, trying to get everything on your child’s Christmas list? Are you struggling with how much is too much?

Perhaps the first question we need to ask is: “Why am I giving to my child’s wants? What is my purpose?” For example, am I giving in to my child because I believe it is unloving or unkind to say no? That will spoil them for sure.

At the end of the day we must do what seems best (Hebrews 12:10). I’ll share more about that next time.

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from 

Love & Respect in the Family 

by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Merry Christmas 2012 !!

May the glory of Christ's birth bring you joy and hope at Christmas time and always!

 

With Love and Respect,

The Eggerichs Family

Christmas Chaos

Although we know that Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus, we can’t deny that the busyness of the holiday season can zap us of our time, energy and patience. Furthermore, the anticipation of gathering with extended family and in-laws is not always pleasant. Soon our focus drifts from the very reason we are so busy and we find ourselves in the midst of Christmas chaos!

Here’s what one wife writes:

The holidays are coming up, which are going to lead to all sorts of interaction with my husband’s family and is therefore an especially hot time for us with our problems. In desperation I began a woman's study of the Motivating your Man books with some girlfriends. I've also been listening to the CD's again in my car.

Here's the miracle - two days ago, my husband called to say that another (dreaded for me) family event was coming up. This has been a classic opening to our past arguments. Instead of continuing down my usual path, I said, "More than anything, I want to respect you in this area. I've messed up in the past and I want to tell you again how sorry I am about that. This is just so hard for me. I am so confused about what you need me to do and what I should do, but I want to be respectful. I need you to tell me what looks respectful to you on this matter and help me do that."

Wow. What an amazing difference in the conversation that followed. My husband instantly melted and became very warm and compassionate. He accepted my apology very gracefully, and on his own made a number of apologies about his own past behavior. He began talking about past problems and I was really able to listen to him. He felt understood by me. I was able to talk about things I have tried to talk about or have wanted to say for years - and he listened. For the first time ever, I finally felt he heard me, tried to put himself in my place, and acknowledged that he saw how difficult some of the situations we struggle with have been for me. He then proceeded to tell me exactly what he wanted me to do, and how he wanted me to handle these family functions that have been so difficult.

What he asked for is reasonable and something I feel I can do. More than that, for the first time I feel like I have his love and support and understanding about these tough things and that alone is going to make it easier to be in hard situations. I'm not sure if this seems small or big to you, but for me it is an earth shattering, marriage changing turning point. (~Katie)

As you head into this Christmas season are you willing to make this small adjustment to work with, not against, your spouse? Recently we heard back from this wife – now 8 years later – and this “small change” indeed was a major turning point in their marriage! We will share that with you next time, but what will you do to follow this woman’s example? Wives, are you willing to soften your approach as this wife did? Husbands, can you lovingly seek to understand your wives?

Instead of continuing down your usual path of Christmas chaos, make the Love & Respect change. It really is the best gift you can give each other!

~Emerson

p.s.

Ladies, be sure to also check out our new Women's DVD Study, Respectfully Yours: The Secret to Power and Influence in Your Marriage

Peace, Good Will Toward Men...

Glory to God in the Highest, 

and on Earth Peace, Good Will Toward Men!  

Luke 2:14

We hear this beautiful verse over and over during the Christmas season.  But a few days ago we received an email that expressed how one couple experienced peace and good will in their home.  What a blessing to read this man’s “glory to God” story!  Our desire is that all of you will experience peace and good will in your homes this Christmas season – that you may say, “Glory to God in the Highest!” 

At this time of year we are entering a season noted for promoting peace on earth, good will towards men. Having been a student of yours through the Love and Respect DVD series I just wanted to say thank you! Within the church, Christians are experiencing a divorce rate that equals that of the world. I wonder what those folks that find divorce as their way out would think about peace on earth? I wonder what they would gladly give to find peace at home? Forget about the world, how about just here in my corner of the world?
 

 Your DVD series has brought just that to our home. Something as simple as different, not wrong has made a change in both my wife and I that I will continue to be amazed at. There is so much peace here at home that I was thinking of starting an argument just so we could kiss and make up. It has been many months since we went to sleep in a huff with our backs to each other. Our lives have been transformed by your message of Love and Respect.

 I know that you and I will celebrate this Christmas season because of the birth of our Savior and the message he brought to us that when we confess faith in Christ, it changes our relationship between our Heavenly Father and ourselves. It changes a relationship of enmity to one of love and good will. It was one of those things that I never thought about. At different times I know I doubted my spouse’s good will towards me. But now that I have seen and recognize her constant and continuous good will towards me I wonder how I could have missed it at all?

 People whom I have never met came into our home, taught us about marriage and changed our lives. They brought peace into our home, and allowed me to recognize the good will of my spouse. What a blessing you have been to my family. Your message of Love and Respect has allowed us to experience peace and good will every day of our lives, not just during the Holidays.

 Merry Christmas and may God richly bless you and yours this holiday season.
(Anonymous)

To all of you who have helped us get this message to the world, we say “Thank You!”  We are honored to partner with you to save marriages.

Merry Christmas from Emerson & Sarah!

A Priceless Gift...

Photo Credit

Are you frantically running around trying to find the“perfect” gift for your loved one this year?  Perhaps spending a bit more than you should? 

I have an idea for you.

The best gift you can give your spouse is not under the Christmas tree.  It is the priceless gift of a loving and respectful attitude, which maintains harmony in the home all year long.

Maybe that sounds a bit idealistic.  But read on for a creative way one wife found to give the gift of respect to her husband – even wrapped up and under the tree!

My husband and I attended your conference this fall and as a refresher, I decided to read the Love and Respect book a couple months later. Hearing the love and respect message a second time around really impressed upon me the importance of making sure my husband feels my respect.

As a result, I decided to purchase a small journal for Christmas and fill each page with something different I respect about him. You would not believe the look on his face when he opened this small gift Christmas morning. By the time he made it to the second page, he had to stop reading because his eyes were filled with tears.  When he did finish a few minutes later, all he could say was "thank you" over and over again, as he clutched the journal tightly between his hands. It's amazing to me how such a small gesture on my part meant so much to him. Thank you for showing me how to reach my husband's heart, and for giving us both a Christmas we will always remember.  ~KM

Will you consider giving your spouse the gift of love and respect this Christmas?  It’s priceless!

~Emerson

p.s.

We're giving away free Crazy Cycle CDs with every order in our store this month! If you are still searching for a meaningful gift, don't miss these limited time specials in our store and have a very Merry Christmas!

What Christmas Is All About

Growing up, I had a little exposure to the “church.” As a young boy, for example, on Christmas I went with my mom and sister to the First Church of Religious Science in Peoria, Illinois, an organization that espouses the dogma: “We believe in the incarnation of the Spirit in all, and that we are all incarnations.” I say this because as a small boy I had no idea what I was hearing, if in fact I heard anything at all. I preferred to play games so went on my merry way, skipping about.

Years later, in Missouri, at age 16, I attended a Christian film called for Pete's Sake produced by the Billy Graham organization. At the end of the film Dr. Graham presents the message of Jesus Christ. For the first time, I really understood the testimony of the New Testament that God became man – Jesus was the one and only incarnation -- and as the God-Man went to the cross to die for my sins. That day I believed and asked Jesus Christ to come in to my life and forgive me so that I could receive eternal life as He promised.

Several months later I visited the minister at the First Church of Religious Science thinking he would rejoice with me over my new discovery of Jesus. Little did I know what awaited me in our conversation. To him, Jesus Christ was not the unique incarnation of God and he expressed disgust with my testimony. I sat there in disbelief in the face of his disbelief! I realized that day that not every person who calls themselves a reverend or minister believes in Jesus Christ as the unique, incarnated Son of God.

Of course, I get that. The apostle Paul refers to the incarnation of Jesus as a mystery when he writes, "by common confession great is the mystery of godliness: he who was revealed in the flesh” (1 Timothy 3:16). Here the word "godliness" refers to the incarnation which he defines as "revealed in the flesh." He acknowledges that this is not the normal thing a person would believe apart from God telling us, and even after telling us, who could explain how the incarnation actually happened? This mystery is a miracle, and all miracles remain a mystery to mortals.

Sadly, when some cannot prove something, they refuse to believe it. Added to this, not a few intellectual types point to the mythology of gods taking on human form and therefore dismiss as mythology the idea that Jesus is God. After all, who in their right mind would claim another person is God? Interestingly, Saul of Tarsus, later the apostle Paul, struggled with this very thing. He said, "At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view.” (2 Corinthians 5:16 NLT). In other words, Saul, the intellectual who studied under Gamaliel, rejected any thing that suggested Jesus was more than a man.

Yet, the Biblical testimony about the incarnation rings loud and clear. John penned, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God... And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:1, 14). Obviously, to John, the Word, who was God, became flesh, who is Jesus.

During this Christmas season, what do you believe about the Incarnation of Jesus?

The cartoon character Charlie Brown distressed over the insincerity of many concerning Christmas asks in anguish, “Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?”

On stage, beautifully and brilliantly Linus responds to his question. “Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you. Lights, please.”

With security blanket in hand the miniature theologian takes center stage and exclaims, “And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not! For behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you this day is born in the City of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace; good will toward men.’”

Finished, Linus turns to Charlie Brown and comments, “That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”

Indeed, "Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and shall bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel," which translated means, "God with us" (Matthew 1:23).

The Incarnation.

As Paul later wrote to the Romans, “God... sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh ... (Romans 8:3) and to the Galatians, “But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman” (Galatians 4:4). Also to the Philippians he said, “although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, {and} being made in the likeness of men” (Philippians 2:6,7).

The Incarnation.

The prophet Isaiah foretold, “For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us… And His name will be called… Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).

The Incarnation.

That’s what Christmas is all about. Merry Incarnation!