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“My marriage seems to be getting worse, not better, since I have been trying to respect my husband. He seems to be even angrier with me. Help!”
There are times when your marriage seems to get worse when you begin to apply Ephesians 5:33. Why? Your obedience could be bringing your spouse under the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Don’t be fooled into thinking it is not working. On the contrary, God is moving in your spouse’s heart and they may not like it very much. Minimize any negativity and sarcasm that may come from them during this time. Just because they say hurtful things doesn’t mean they are true.
Obviously I don’t know what is going on in the heart of your husband, but it could be that he is afraid to trust that this is for real. When a man gets a taste of the respect that he desires deep down in his soul, it is almost too good to be true. If there has been a history of that lacking in his marriage, he is confused. He’s not sure what is going on! He may revert to his old comfort zone, hiding behind sarcasm and a thick wall of defense. It may take some time to break down that wall.
If you keep your eyes on doing this unto Christ, it will be easier to stay the course. Some people find it helps to picture Christ standing behind the shoulder of their spouse during a conflict, to keep their eyes on Him and not their spouse’s reaction. This is what I call the Rewarded Cycle and this is where you must focus! Trust that God can speak louder to your spouse’s heart than you can. Focus more on being consistent over the long haul, and less on how your spouse is reacting.
For more information on The Rewarded Cycle, read Dr. Emerson’s book, Love and Respect, or check out the Love & Respect Conference CD’s or DVD’s.
5 comments:
I totally agree with Emerson here. Especially about trusting what is for real and responding negatively. I had this happen to me where after not feeling loved for a long period of time all of a sudden my spouse did something that was very loving to me. And instead of feeling good.. it hurt..a lot! Unfortunately I responded out of my pain instead of trying to see his actions as love. As I look back now I realize he was actually trying to reach out to me by showing love and I misinterpreted it.
I thank God for Dr Eggerichs wisdom and books!
I read with interest the Blog on "things are getting worse, what now?" and I smiled because this is what exactly happened to my unfaithful husband who was so deeply entrenched in his emotional infidelity. he claimed there is no more passion between us, and he is just keeping this marriage because he obey God. He won't do anything to rekindle our marriage.
When I treated him with unconditional respect and love, he kept 'pushing' me away saying he doesnt need me to be nice to him etc.
Now I know it is the HS convicting him....
I know I must be the mature spouse, do whatever it takes to glorify God in our marriage kingdom.
Praise God!
Thank you Emerson & Sarah
im working on that issue of respect no matter what, but my husband has been a non-mover for years even when i got on his lap and begged forgiveness for not showing him Christ... even though his lack of leadership financially and acts of love towards me are seriously lacking, while for 30+ years he has always needed huge amount of intimacy. Usually what I get from him is a blank stare, and I do not know what to do with that. I am currently counseling with a Christain marriage counselor looking for my next step because I don't know how to live in a marriage where my simplest needs aren't met. I do NOT mean to play devil's advocate, but im just reporting my experience.
BS. If you want to work on your marriage work with the person, not with a bible. Find out what is happening in his/her head. Seek professional advice (not from a pastor, but from someone who has actually studied psychology) If I followed the bible's advice, I would had stoned my wife years ago.
GOD WORKS
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