My dad lost his job in his early 50’s. His employer, a railroad company, went against union contract by closing down the terminal and dad found himself unemployed. At that juncture my mom provided the primary income. That arrangement strained the marriage not because mom earned more but because dad felt disrespected when mom would unthinkingly comment about having to earn the money, or she’d spend money independently of dad’s knowledge. And mom felt unloved when dad did not express appreciation for all her work or would explode in anger when she appeared too independent.
Interestingly, mom and dad erroneously thought the reversal of the traditional role of man-as-primary-provider caused the marital conflict. No, a failure to apply Love and Respect (Ephesians 5:33) in the face of that reversed traditional role triggered the arguments. A bedridden husband can love his working wife and a working wife can respect her bedridden husband, and the two of them can experience deep marital satisfaction. What ignites marital tension is when a husband feels disrespected for earning less and a wife feels unloved for earning more.
Listen to this wife who missed her husband’s need to feel respected while she generated the primary income.
"I realize that... the real issue with where it started to collapse was in my lack of respect for him. I never imagined that's what I was doing, because if you asked me, I had great regard for my husband. However, we had a paradigm shift that occurred that left me the bread winner and him the stay at home dad... From the worldly perspective it made perfect sense. I was bringing home $300-$400K/yr and he was bringing home $20-$25… He quit to take care of our daughter and the rental properties and only did it out of love, not because he was thrilled about maintaining properties.
"Of all the material I read and put into practice… has had nill effect and now I understand why. All this time my husband has been crying out for respect and didn't know how to articulate it and even if he did, I'm not sure I could have heard it or interpreted it before now. You've laid it out all so plainly, that I now realize it is the one ingredient I have been missing all along. The funny part is, no one would have ever guessed this about me including myself. You see, I have known the women you quote in your book and their tone and words offend even me. I have never been that woman and never will be. However, my husband and I have a little twist to our male/female dynamic that your book has just made me realize. He is a little bit more emotional and used to wear his heart on his sleeve to me and I am far less emotional and needy than most women, so some of our key characteristics have been hidden even more deeply because of those personality quirks. I didn't understand his need to provide and feel worth from his job as men obviously do (obvious now). I could never relate or even hear what he was saying because my job is what I do, not who I am and I honestly have no real pride because of it. It's a gift and talent and a way to provide for my family and that's where we got so much wrong.
"I've seen so many people in the same predicament that now I feel I can waive the safety flag and get them off the dead end road of marriage failure. I am not a feminist, I am a realist. I am a Christian, but I didn't understand love vs. respect. I somehow felt they were the same. I couldn't win my husband's attention/affection back because I was trying to show more 'love' to him, never understanding much less grasping the fact that it was 'respect' he needed all along.
"... Through all of it, I have asked God to let me see my husband the way He sees him and to keep me from all feelings of hate and bitterness. This has been the hardest time of my life and on top of that this has caused near financial and physical ruin, however, I have thanked God for bringing me to this humble place and beginning to do surgery on me to carve out all of the issues that I have and never had the wisdom to see - and I'm a pretty darn smart cookie if I do say so myself! :) However, I have been so out of balance in the weights of God's world, it isn't even funny how blinding it's been. I have prayed, cried, begged and pleaded with God to restore my family and stop this pain… I have had nothing but hate from my husband and evilness since the discovery/admission of (his) affair... until I applied the Respect Test… but honestly… it took me a whole day to really find something genuine that I could actually use the word respect for and him not see right through me if it wasn't genuine. I sent it via text yesterday and he actually engaged me with paragraphs via text. Now I know that sounds so trivial to anyone reading this, but I have been in a living hell... and that was HUGE in my book. Then this morning I sent another one, not saying the actual word respect but just showing concern for him. He was busy, so he actually said 'I'm sorry, it's got nothing to do with you, I'm just annoyed and irritated.' My husband in 14 years has only said I'm sorry a handful of times and... he exclaimed he 'wasn't sorry' for what he had done. Now I know this is a far cry from reconciliation, but it really gave peace to my soul. It's made me realize where I went so wrong and I feel so 'un-burdened' in trying to figure out what really happened to us as everyone saw how in love we were for 12 of 14 years. It's been an extremely hard fall from grace, but now I feel like I am empowered through Christ to never make the same mistakes again. It gives me such hope...
"I am still in love with my husband and know that hurt people, hurt people. He may never be able to reconcile with himself, God or me, but I now see and know that by doing my part that God has called me to do regardless of him, I am already experiencing an eternal kind of feeling of peace and am hopeful for what God is gonna do either in my marriage or on me..."
Though I condemn this man’s adultery, I understand his vulnerability. When a husband feels that his wife does not respect him for his desire to provide, as part of his self-identity, he longs for someone to recognize, accept and affirm that dimension within him. He becomes vulnerable to the advances of a woman who offers the respect he craves. By way of analogy, when a wife feels that her husband does not want to be close to her, open with her, and empathize with her, I understand her vulnerability to the advances of a man who offers these things in a loving manner.
Why did this wife miss her husband’s heart? With this wife, as with most wives, her self-image did not rest on her employment. She defined herself in terms of her own person, marriage and children, even with an impressive career. Not all women are like her but most that I have met are like her. Consequently, when she sounded off or whispered to her husband about this role reversal concerning income, however innocent and infrequent her comments, her words dropped like an atomic bomb on her husband. This is comparable to a husband making innocent complaints about his wife’s neglect of the children because of her career thereby flattening her emotional landscape, especially when she observes her sad children run to daddy for comfort, or when they come into the home giggling and report to daddy why they are laughing. It doesn’t take much to verbally kick a person in the core of their being.
Remember, God created Adam in Paradise to cultivate and maintain the Garden, and this before God created Eve. In other words, God designed Adam to work. Most husbands define themselves in terms of their employment. When two men meet for the first time they ask, "What do you do?" Though a husband’s identity should not solely rest on his work anymore than a mother should define herself in terms of the children, a husband leans in that direction as does a mother. Let’s extend grace and mercy.
As a wife, whether you like it or not, your husband feels a compulsion to be the primary provider just as most mothers feel a compulsion to be the primary nurturer of the children. Neither are wrong, just different. When a man feels like he is failing as the principal breadwinner, he will appear thin-skinned when feeling denigrated and disrespected as a male provider. Telling him to grow up or dismissing his sentiments equals a husband telling his wife to stop feeling inadequate as a mother and to stop her crying. How easy to judge people in areas where we have less struggle!
As a husband, do not interpret your wife's complaints about the role reversal as a disrespectful message against you. If you withdraw from your wife or angrily attack her during her ventilation about the role reversal, she will feel unloved. You will get on the Crazy Cycle! Though you are struggling because you feel inadequate and disrespected as a provider, stand tall during this time of testing. Don’t become unloving. Also, do not allow your vulnerability during this season to turn your heart toward a woman who wants to build you up and convey to you that she respects you.
Here’s the good news: if you both practice respect and love during this traditional role reversal, you can have a satisfying marriage. That’s the deepest issue – love and respect - and my mom and dad missed that for too many years.
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
March 9, 2009
December 12, 2008
SETBACKS
Because of the many financial pressures coming to many good willed couples during this recession, I reflected on the comment that some make that money problems are the cause of divorce. I have never agreed with that comment. Money is a symptom of a deeper issue. Money is not the cause of the divorce.
Let me back up and share with you why I think this way.
Do you remember when you dated and how the relationship progressed positively until your first big fight? At that moment you experienced a setback --a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the birth of your children you experienced joy immeasurable but as the children grew and entered their teens they treated you like you were from another planet. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the first several years of employment your salary and bonuses exceeded expectations, enabling many wonderful purchases, but when the economy entered a recession you hit a financial brick wall. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse.
During those disappointing times, as you reflect, how would you rate your emotional maturity, your response to your spouse, and your faith in God?
Often I hear couples say, "if we didn't have these financial problems, we would have a great marriage." Or, "if we didn't struggle sexually, we would have a wonderful relationship." Or, "if we didn't have all these teenage children, our marriage would be thriving."
But I want to challenge that thinking. I don't think that's necessarily true. I remember the comedian who said, "I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better." Indeed, we are happier when life is easier But if we take a dogmatic position that says -- and I'm applying this to marriage -- external circumstances determine my marital happiness then we are destined to unhappiness in our marriage when we encounter serious setbacks. We buy into a lie that says "because I have financial, sexual, and child-rearing problems, my marriage is going to be unhappy."
We may be less happy but we don't have to be unhappy in the marriage. Truth is, we can have a meaningful marriage during the setbacks if we make a choice to trust God, love/respect a spouse, and respond in emotionally mature ways. No one says this choice will be easy but we can make this choice, and when we make this choice each of these areas(trust, love/respect, controlled anger/fear) serves as a track to run on.
I believe we have internal freedom to make the right internal choice. We can experience a measure of happiness in marriage apart from happy happenings. Maybe we won't click our heels with glee but we don't have to pop pills to go to bed and pop pills to get up from bed.
Do we really have this freedom of choice? Look at Job and Job's wife. Both experienced the same events that inflicted suffering upon them. Talk about setbacks! No one envies what they went through. They lost property, servants, children... nearly everything. But notice the difference between Job and his wife. Job made the internal choice during this setback to bless God, refusing to sin with his lips. Notice that he trusted God, did not show hostility toward his wife, and maturely responded (not controlled by anger or fear).
Job 1:20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
Job 1:21 He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
On the other hand, Job's wife wanted Job to curse God, which suggests she was cursing God. She made the internal choice to shake her fist at heaven, show contempt toward Job, and react foolishly(probably out of anger and fear).
Job 2:9 Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!"
Job 2:10 But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.
We see clearly with Job and Job's wife that setbacks do not CAUSE our sinful reactions but REVEAL our sinful reactions. For instance, circumstances did not CAUSE Jesus to be the Son of God but REVEALED him to be the Son of God. Let me illustrate it this way. A speck of sand in the human eye first "causes" irritation, then infection, and if not cared for loss of vision. That same speck of sand in an oyster first "causes" irritation, then concretion, and then produces a beautiful pearl. Technically the sand did not CAUSE the loss of vision or produce a pearl. The sand REVEALED the inner properties of the human eye and oyster. If that is not so, the next time sand enters your eye be careful because a pearl may pop out.
In life, these setbacks are irritants which ultimately reveal our faith in God, our willingness to choose love or respect in marriage, and the level of our emotional maturity in response.
Bottom line, my response is my responsibility. For instance, in my marriage to Sarah she does not cause me to react unlovingly but she reveals my unloving reactions. I don't cause her to react disrespectfully but I reveal her disrespectful reactions.
I remember at military school, when I was age 16, I scuffed my spit-shined shoe. I exploded in anger. Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice saying, "calm down Mr. Eggerichs, calm down." It was the commandant. At that moment, I realized I needed to face myself. It was a serious moment of self-discovery. I didn't get angry because I scuffed my shoe. The scuffing of the shoe revealed my angry way of dealing with setbacks. The scuffing of the shoe surfaced my immaturity.
Sarah recounts in our early marriage coming at me loudly and me responding, "Sarah, you can be right in what you're saying but wrong at the top of your voice." She testifies how that profoundly affected her. She realized the conflict with me was revealing things to her about herself. She chose to respond more respectfully, and gained a great deal of power to influence my heart.
When Sarah had breast cancer and I had melanoma, we had to face off with potential death. For a period of time, we didn't know exactly what the future held. If you were watching from the outside would you expect us to shake a fist at God, shake a fist at each other, and then throw temper tantrums? Why not? Don't bad circumstances cause us to react the way we react? No, I assume you would tell us, if you really cared about us, that such reactions are not being caused by this setback but are revealed by the setback.
What are you going through right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed by a setback like unexpected unemployment, the shocking affair, second deployment, etc.? How will you cope? Will you react like Job or Job's wife? Because you've read this far, I believe you will lean toward the side of Job. My role is to encourage you. I believe in you. Temporarily things are going from better to worse. Don't lose heart. You know how to trust God. You know how to put on love or respect. And, you know how to respond maturely without excessive anger or fear.
Stay the course. Though you will falter like Sarah and I falter, these setbacks will not CAUSE your marriage to go under. Don't buy into the lie that these setbacks destine your marriage to end in a divorce court.
Let me back up and share with you why I think this way.
Do you remember when you dated and how the relationship progressed positively until your first big fight? At that moment you experienced a setback --a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the birth of your children you experienced joy immeasurable but as the children grew and entered their teens they treated you like you were from another planet. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse. Or, during the first several years of employment your salary and bonuses exceeded expectations, enabling many wonderful purchases, but when the economy entered a recession you hit a financial brick wall. You experienced a setback -- a temporary change from better to worse.
During those disappointing times, as you reflect, how would you rate your emotional maturity, your response to your spouse, and your faith in God?
Often I hear couples say, "if we didn't have these financial problems, we would have a great marriage." Or, "if we didn't struggle sexually, we would have a wonderful relationship." Or, "if we didn't have all these teenage children, our marriage would be thriving."
But I want to challenge that thinking. I don't think that's necessarily true. I remember the comedian who said, "I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better." Indeed, we are happier when life is easier But if we take a dogmatic position that says -- and I'm applying this to marriage -- external circumstances determine my marital happiness then we are destined to unhappiness in our marriage when we encounter serious setbacks. We buy into a lie that says "because I have financial, sexual, and child-rearing problems, my marriage is going to be unhappy."
We may be less happy but we don't have to be unhappy in the marriage. Truth is, we can have a meaningful marriage during the setbacks if we make a choice to trust God, love/respect a spouse, and respond in emotionally mature ways. No one says this choice will be easy but we can make this choice, and when we make this choice each of these areas(trust, love/respect, controlled anger/fear) serves as a track to run on.
I believe we have internal freedom to make the right internal choice. We can experience a measure of happiness in marriage apart from happy happenings. Maybe we won't click our heels with glee but we don't have to pop pills to go to bed and pop pills to get up from bed.
Do we really have this freedom of choice? Look at Job and Job's wife. Both experienced the same events that inflicted suffering upon them. Talk about setbacks! No one envies what they went through. They lost property, servants, children... nearly everything. But notice the difference between Job and his wife. Job made the internal choice during this setback to bless God, refusing to sin with his lips. Notice that he trusted God, did not show hostility toward his wife, and maturely responded (not controlled by anger or fear).
Job 1:20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped.
Job 1:21 He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:22 Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
On the other hand, Job's wife wanted Job to curse God, which suggests she was cursing God. She made the internal choice to shake her fist at heaven, show contempt toward Job, and react foolishly(probably out of anger and fear).
Job 2:9 Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!"
Job 2:10 But he said to her, "You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" In all this Job did not sin with his lips.
We see clearly with Job and Job's wife that setbacks do not CAUSE our sinful reactions but REVEAL our sinful reactions. For instance, circumstances did not CAUSE Jesus to be the Son of God but REVEALED him to be the Son of God. Let me illustrate it this way. A speck of sand in the human eye first "causes" irritation, then infection, and if not cared for loss of vision. That same speck of sand in an oyster first "causes" irritation, then concretion, and then produces a beautiful pearl. Technically the sand did not CAUSE the loss of vision or produce a pearl. The sand REVEALED the inner properties of the human eye and oyster. If that is not so, the next time sand enters your eye be careful because a pearl may pop out.
In life, these setbacks are irritants which ultimately reveal our faith in God, our willingness to choose love or respect in marriage, and the level of our emotional maturity in response.
Bottom line, my response is my responsibility. For instance, in my marriage to Sarah she does not cause me to react unlovingly but she reveals my unloving reactions. I don't cause her to react disrespectfully but I reveal her disrespectful reactions.
I remember at military school, when I was age 16, I scuffed my spit-shined shoe. I exploded in anger. Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice saying, "calm down Mr. Eggerichs, calm down." It was the commandant. At that moment, I realized I needed to face myself. It was a serious moment of self-discovery. I didn't get angry because I scuffed my shoe. The scuffing of the shoe revealed my angry way of dealing with setbacks. The scuffing of the shoe surfaced my immaturity.
Sarah recounts in our early marriage coming at me loudly and me responding, "Sarah, you can be right in what you're saying but wrong at the top of your voice." She testifies how that profoundly affected her. She realized the conflict with me was revealing things to her about herself. She chose to respond more respectfully, and gained a great deal of power to influence my heart.
When Sarah had breast cancer and I had melanoma, we had to face off with potential death. For a period of time, we didn't know exactly what the future held. If you were watching from the outside would you expect us to shake a fist at God, shake a fist at each other, and then throw temper tantrums? Why not? Don't bad circumstances cause us to react the way we react? No, I assume you would tell us, if you really cared about us, that such reactions are not being caused by this setback but are revealed by the setback.
What are you going through right now? Are you feeling overwhelmed by a setback like unexpected unemployment, the shocking affair, second deployment, etc.? How will you cope? Will you react like Job or Job's wife? Because you've read this far, I believe you will lean toward the side of Job. My role is to encourage you. I believe in you. Temporarily things are going from better to worse. Don't lose heart. You know how to trust God. You know how to put on love or respect. And, you know how to respond maturely without excessive anger or fear.
Stay the course. Though you will falter like Sarah and I falter, these setbacks will not CAUSE your marriage to go under. Don't buy into the lie that these setbacks destine your marriage to end in a divorce court.
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