What Am I Worth?

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A testimony from Jacki…

For many years my husband and I would get caught up in the Crazy Cycle. Of course we didn't realize it at all and both just assumed that this was married life. I mean, marriage is hard right? Happily ever after is only a fairy tale. When it comes to marriage we do the best we can, and try to make the best out of the results.

This approach didn't feel right, but I knew no better. I knew that I had to submit to my husband, but after some time I began feeling like my opinions and feelings didn't matter. All my submitting, attempts at gentleness, all my words of love were not getting me anywhere. I was getting to where I flat out didn’t like my husband very much. AND, I thought that was ok. I didn't have to like him or even love him to be married; I just had to make the day to day work. My husband lived in a dream world where he didn't have a clue to my feelings. If you asked him, everything was hunky dory. I was absorbing everything myself, and slowly dying inside.

Then I realized that I had within me the ability and power to more actively engage and fight for my marriage. Through Love and Respect (specifically the women’s study) I realized that God did not want me to have a mediocre marriage. That he wanted my husband and I to be passionate about each other, and also that He has given me, ME the power and ability to proactively do things that specifically speak to my husband’s heart to help him see mine. I realized that it didn't matter what world my husband lived in, nor how he responded to me, that would determine my actions in my marriage. My actions would be determined by the Word of God and who I am in Him. Once I learned to put my identity in Christ, not in my husband, I was truly able to give my husband what he really needed... unconditional respect.

Thank you so much for your faithfulness that made this story true. (Jacki)

Taken from the Respectfully Yours DVD study

FAQ: My Husband is a Workaholic

 

Question:  My husband is a workaholic. Work comes before me and the kids. Your first point in CHAIRS is to admire and respect his desire to work.  If I compliment him on his work, won't I just be encouraging him to work more?  

Answer:  First, I caution that I cannot guarantee that what I have to say will automatically get a husband to quit working so many hours and be at home a lot more. However, in counseling many couples in this situation, I have made three observations that usually help a wife deal with the situation in a more positive way.

First, to influence him directly, respectfully say, “Your children (daughter, son) need you at home more. You have a unique influence on them. In certain areas, nobody matters to them as much as you do. It may not appear that way to you, but your positive presence has the power to mold them. I know you are swamped and have little time, but I also know that you want to give them that part of you that no one else can give to them. Thanks.”  If you do not have children, reiterate how important he is to you, and you miss having time with him.  However, keep this friendly and not whiny!

Second, you need not praise him for all the work he is doing away from home. In other words, don’t feel that you must respect what may be a negative obsession. Instead, look for non-work areas in which to express respect. Remember, you cannot devalue what he is doing at work in order to get him to value the family more. Do not say or imply, “I am not going to respect you until you start helping me and the children.” That is equal to having him say or imply, “I am not going to show you and the family any love until you start honoring me for what I do at work.” Disrespect never motivates love, and lack of love never motivates respect.

Finally, some husbands work because it is the place they feel respected. If a wife is negative, complaining, and disrespectful, what man wants to come home? A man does not hear the deeper cry of his wife’s heart when she makes a personal attack on him and his work. He does not hear, “Rescue me.” Instead he hears, “I despise you.” So he asks for (or chooses) overtime at work.

As hard as this is to hear, you will need to be patient and see this as a 6 month project. Give your husband time to bring some things at work to completion and to introduce “no” into his vocabulary on the job. Give him time to taste what it’s like to be an influence in his own home with his own children (not to mention you). Have confidence in God’s Word and allow time for the Holy Spirit to work.

Emerson