What if We are an Exception to Pink and Blue?

At times I receive mail or personal inquiries at our conferences to the effect:  "We don't fit your description of husband and wife. She is the one who stonewalls, and he is the one who 'lets it all hang out.'”

My answer is that cultural and personal applications can vary.  I use general examples that apply to the majority, but that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you if you fall into the minority.  We are all uniquely different.

 My parents were a good example. My father would come at my mother ranting and raving in anger - confronting her because he wanted to communicate. She simply shut down and withdrew. Then he would withdraw also, and there would be icy silence for many hours and sometimes days. 

Both my parents wanted to connect with each other, but they could not out of ignorance or fear. Mom longed to connect with Dad (as every woman wants to connect with her husband), but she would pull back because she feared his anger. And Dad wanted to connect with Mom, but his feelings of being disrespected (she was the key breadwinner for many years) kept him in a state of frustration and anger. At the deepest core, however, my mother still was seeking love and my father was seeking respect.

We get other inquiries regarding "exceptions." For example, a woman wrote to tell me that in certain aspects of personality her husband was more "pink" than "blue" and she was more "blue" than "pink." She was reared in a home dominated by her father's values: education, intelligence, strength, pride, and lack of emotions. She wrote: "Subsequently, as I became a woman, I thought that to be loved (the kind of love that would touch the core of my being), I had to seek recognition for all the things that came naturally to 'blue' instead of to 'pink.'" On the other hand, her husband was raised in a very warm, nurturing environment, full of unconditional love. "So naturally," she continued, "[he] grew up with a HIGH regard for those very 'pink' tendencies that made him feel so complete and unconditionally loved."

In short, this wife focused on "respect" in order to get love. Her husband focused on "love" in order to get respect. Until I helped them unpack their puzzle, she thought respect was her deepest value and he thought love was his deepest value. In truth, he was doing "the pink thing" to get respect, and she was doing "the blue thing" to be loved.

The constants are this:  during conflict, awoman’s deepest need is to feel loved and a husband’s deepest need is to feelrespected.  The variables are how each individual reacts and responds to conflict, out of their temperament or their past learned behavior. The key to effective marital communication is to learn how to unpack your unique puzzle!  More on that next time!   

~Emerson

{Spiderwebbing}

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You won’t find a formal definition of this term in the dictionary, but most married couples will recognize what spiderwebbing is. Someone starts with this point and goes to that point but doesn’t finish that point before going on to another point, not finishing that point but doubling back to an earlier point.  But somehow they always bring the conversation full circle and eventually finish all the points!

Multitasking women are masters of this art. For husbands, who are normally more linear thinkers, this kind of conversation is not that simple.  They are wired to finish one point completely and then move on to the next. So when his wife starts spiderwebbing, a husband is likely to get that blank, faraway look in his eyes.  The wife notices this and says, “You’re not listening to me.”  And on the Crazy Cycle we go!

So what couples must do is give each other a measure of grace. Husbands need to let their wives release their emotions and share their reports. Wives need to do this with as little spiderwebbing as possible, saving the longer versions for girlfriends. 

Here’s how I describe the art of spiderwebbing in our Love & Respect Marriage Conference. 

~Emerson

FACE-to-FACE and SHOULDER-to-SHOULDER

Have you noticed that men and women do friendship differently? Typically (and I realize there are always exceptions to the general rule), female friendship involves face-to-face talking and sharing. Best girlfriends share their hearts, dreams and frustrations with one another. Although they enjoy doing activities together, it is the close heart-to-heart sharing that binds them together as “best friends.”

Male friendship, however, generally involves activity or watching an activity shoulder-to-shoulder, without much talking (other than commentary on the activity). Guys hang with other guys that enjoy the same types of activities or hobbies – anything from sports to computers to working on their cars. They are comfortable sitting shoulder-to-shoulder watching TV without talking…or working side-by-side at their favorite hobby. It is the activity that binds them together as “best buds” more than the conversation.

Generally, when a guy and girl is dating, they put their best foot forward and do whatever the other enjoys doing, as a way to get to know one another and even impress one another. A guy is willing to sit and talk face-to-face as he gets to know a girl, especially because she is attentively hanging on to his every word! And a girl is more than happy to sit and watch football, just as a way to be close to him. Attending activities together and going for walks hand in hand is all part of dating – and it works!

But after marriage, things tend to get more complicated. The busyness of life creeps in and things become mundane. A husband can be preoccupied and quieter than when they were dating. And a wife is often too busy to sit and watch her man tinker on the car or computer…or sit and watch the baseball game. Gradually, they drift apart…each irritated with the other for not taking the time to meet their need for face-to-face or shoulder-to-shoulder time.

But when a husband chooses (moves first!) - to take time to talk face-to-face with his wife, his wife is more motivated to be shoulder-to-shoulder with him without talking. Conversely, if a wife moves first and chooses to be shoulder-to-shoulder with her husband without talking, her husband is more motivated to be close and talk face-to-face with her.

This isn’t a magic bullet and it’s not going to work instantly. The deeper the distrust in the marriage, the longer it takes. But eventually what goes around comes around.

Will you look for ways to be the mature one in your relationship this week? Men, will you seek to meet your wife’s need to share her heart with you? Women, will you take the time to sit quietly with your husband at an activity of his choice…without talking?

Emerson